Unthinkable...

What i'm on...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Cry


Staring at this blank page... it feels seemingly impossible to fill this empty space. But the irony in that is my mind is completely void of elbow room because of all the thoughts taking refuge there. Each beat of my heart feels an oz heavier than the last beat and my tear ducts are approaching Katrina levy levels, yet I cannot cry. How did I get back here? Immediately my mind fills with flashes of light from the good times. All the things that made me laugh, the flashes or the butterflies in the pit of my stomach as i await your arrival, and last but certainly not least, the flashes of passion that are enough to make you think i've wet the bed... But as the viewfinder of my mind slows...and i'm reminded of it's abrupt end. The Denouement has come before the climax...There is that heavy feeling in my chest again..."weight on my chest like i body build" (J.Cole)... that line hit home now... and just for the sake of insanity i search my brain for the reason why...I mean it's VVS diamond clear that there is no answer to be found but as i stated previously...its just for the sake of insanity that i search for the clues that i missed, the warning signs that i passed, the laws that i broke, to get me here. With all the walls raised and the pad lock with no key hole surrounding my heart... how is it that it's broken again? I think for the first time in my life i'm too hurt to cry. Too hurt to cry? Yeah that's it... I'm too hurt to cry. Its almost as if my tears would be a shallow insult to the pain my heart feels. After all tears are overused and undervalued. Tears of joy, tears of anguish, tears of fear or shallow pain felt from a surface wound. For some reason tears just don't seem to be enough right now. So... what is? Do i have to write a love ballot that makes the world cry for you to understand my pain? Do I have to act out in a love/hate revenge that lands me on top story for National News? Do i have to jump from the top of the highest skyscraper i can find just to make you see how grave the pain is? But then it would be too late... I mean THEN you might understand... but would you be able to cry?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

NEVER EVER GIVE UP IN LIFE





I cried for an hour after watching this. We all deal with battles daily that force us to decide whether or not we can continue on whether it's a race, a job, a relationship or just life in general. NEVER give up. It aint over until you decide it's over. Just put your arm around my shoulder and we'll finish this race. Amen.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Tomorrow...


Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. Tomorrow i will accept my worth and walk away with my head held high and not in the palm of my hands. Tomorrow i will no longer ask why things turned out the way they are, i'll just accept that it's over. Tomorrow i will open my eyes to the truths of present and not the promises made in the past. But that's tomorrow. . . You see its ok if i need to cry tonight. Because God knows i'm hurting inside. You see you turned my world upside down today. . . but tomorrow i move on. Tomorrow is when you are no longer worth my tears. Tomorrow is when I will accept that you will no longer have a place in my heart and your pain is yours to bear alone. Tomorrow is mine. . .

But God please help me.... tonight.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Even perfection has limits. . .

High standards and attention to detail are commendable; they show you take pride in your work. However, dyed-in-the-wool perfectionists take an all-or-nothing approach by finding fault and obsessing over how they could have done it better. Case in point: after delivering one of history's most memorable speeches, Abraham Lincoln described his Gettysburg Address as a 'flat failure'.


Perfectionists see opportunities to perform as opportunities to fail, so even when they do reach their goal there's no sense of accomplishment. None of us will ever attain perfection this side of eternity. We're all imperfect; get used to it! We only '...know in part...' (1 Corinthians 13:9 NIV)


So: (1) Give yourself permission to fail, in order to succeed. Henry Ford said, 'Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again... more intelligently.' (2) Though you're not likely to excel initially, don't be afraid to try. You won't get perfect results, but it will let you see that sometimes 'average' can be progress. (3) Lighten up. Be forgiving of yourself, and extend grace to others. Emerson said, 'A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.' (4) Don't get bogged down in details. Set a time limit; say, 'I'm going to give this thirty minutes.'


A well-known counselor says, 'Have reasonable expectations...do your best and encourage others to do the same. Flaws and imperfections determine your uniqueness. Relish them. Embrace them...you're human ...God made you that way.' The truth is, God doesn't judge our mistakes nearly as harshly as we do. He '...remembers we are only dust...' (Psalm 103:14 NLT)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Why did the chicken cross the road. . . ?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
This is just something i came across a while back and i thought it was pretty cute. enjoy. . .

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn ' t about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won ' t realize that he must
first deal with the problem on ' THIS ' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the ' OTHER SIDE ' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he ' s acting by not taking on his ' CURRENT '
problems before adding ' NEW ' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I ' m going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don ' t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken ' s
intentions.. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he ' s GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer ' s Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I ' ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can ' t you people see the plain truth? '
That ' s why they call it the ' other side. ' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ' the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It ' s as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn ' t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn ' t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY:
Where ' s my gun?


AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Which service?

Siiighhhhh.... Slow motion Sundays. . .
It's a really slow day today. Not much goin on in the world, which i really can't complain about. No news is good news. Its extrememly overcast and the clouds are cryin off and on around the way. This lends itself to be a great day for catching up on any missed shows from your favorite series. . . curling up with your boo. . . makin it a blockbuster day/night etc.
A day like today gives me the oppurtunity to reflect on life. See how far i've come and how far i've gotta go... which often leads me to write. . .Not toooooo much on my mind but i wanted to share something that happened in church this morning. I swear kids can make you smile when you feel like crying. . . enjoy.
Pastor noticed my little cousin Jay standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on each side of it. Jay, who by the way is 7 years old, had been staring at the plaque for some time, so pastor walked up, stood beside him, and said quietly, "Good morning son".
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. Pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They just kinda stood there together, staring at the large plaque in silence.
Finally, Alex spoke in this barely audible voice all the while trembling with fear, and he said...(and i quote): "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

I almost lost my mind trying not to die laughing in church. He was soooooo serious. The look on his face was of sheer fear. Like he was second and third guessing whether to pee on himself or bolt outta the church. But the thing is you should NEEEEEEEEEEEVER laugh at a child's quest for knowledge. What results from that is a fear that questions are stupid and they would rather go through life not knowing than having people think they're stupid. Something that small can affect a person forever... but that sh*t was FUN-Knee!

siiiiiiiiiiigh... Let the church say AMEN!
Let the church say Amen!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dream man = My worst nightmare

"Why are you single"... I get asked this question at least 20 times a day. . . So I'm going to give you all a little in site as to why I am single. It goes a lot deeper than the typical "just haven't found the right man" or "all men are dogs" scenario. Truth be told there are a looooooooooot of good men out there. But truth be told, women don't really want a "good man". And when you sit down and think about it. . . what truly is a "good man"? A good man for your sister may in fact be furthest from what you want in a mate. Let me take this one step further . . .
I call myself the "prototype" because I believe that i am (much) of what every man wants in a woman. You may find that statement cocky but this is what i mean. 7 days a week i'm in the gym. If i want something i go get it. I never ask anyone else for anything that i cannot do for myself. i am a lady in the streets and only those that have layed down with me can speak on what i am between the sheets ;). I'm far from selfish. If there is ANYTHING i can do for my man to make him happier, i'll do it. You hungry: what can i fix you to eat? Your back hurts: let me find the hot oil. You sad: what can i do to make you smile? She did something you like that i'm not: what is it? That's just who i am. I truly want to give my man the world. Now i KNOW that it's not possible but the very fact that i would if i could means much more than the fact that it's not possible. Now this is the kicker. . . He should want to do the same. i don't want the world. . . NEVER did. But my man should think that i deserve it and should want to be the one to give it to me. The men that i've been with/dated/pursued etc. did not.
Now before you get to complaining, i'm with the men on this subject. A LOT of it falls back on me and who i am attracted to. Yet i cannot help who i am attracted to... so it is a fool filled situation. . . and the epitome of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome). But there is no simple solution. I cannot help nor change who i am attracted to.
The logical question one would ask next is what exactly is my "dream" man... I'm far from Chili but i do have a few characteristics that attract me. Confidence is a turnon. . . I love a man that is confident. If you don't believe in yourself, then why the hell should i? Don't get me wrong. . . confidence is faaaaaaaaar from conceit. That will get you the boot quicker than a meter officer writes a ticket when your quarter runs out. Ambition is also a big one. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be content with what you have but you should always have a hunger for bigger and better things in your career/life. So you make 50K a year... you should be trying to figure out who makes 50Mil a year and what they have that you don't. And it's not all about money. Hell if the neighbors grass is a little greener (no pun intended here i'm seriously talking about grass) then you should ask him how he's keepin the weeds out. Pride in your personal appearance. This is a huge one. If i take the time to get my nails done and put on a dress, you need to shave and get the dirt from under your nails. I don't care if you change tires for a living, you need not come out the house looking like you changed one at your bedside. Also, as i mentioned previously, i go to the gym. . . you should too. not only does this guarantee that you'll live longer but you'll be attractive to me with your clothes off. Nothing makes me drier than a beer belly and man boobs... <-- just being honest.This is why i am attracted to most athletes. . . if you are an athlete or a former athlete you have the drive to get up and go to the gym. . . you also know what it takes to get in shape... Moving along. . . Educate yourself. You should be able to quote lines Jesus as well as Jeezy. You should know what's really going on in the world not what's going on on worldstar. . . This doesn't lend itself only to those who have graduated from a credited institution or "higher learning"... no no no. not by any means. i've met some of the most uneducated people ever while i was IN college. This just means that their are millions of portals of information out there. . . always have a hunger for more knowledge. Financial stability is important as well. No this does not make me a gold digger. I did not say anywhere in this passage that i wanted to be taken care of financially... I have my own money... you should too. Check to check does not attract me simply because you're either (1) living above your means or (2) have a lack of ambition to go after more.
There are a few more things here and there that will either make or break a potential mate (ohhhhh shiiiit i'm rhymin. . . someone call the mixtape weezy)<--kiddin... but the bottom line is, with these things comes (what i'm looking for in a man) comes power. A power that most women are looking for, which in itself leads to a problem. The lower the supply, the higher the demand. If seemingly every woman is looking for these things in a man, then the demand is high. . . thus giving sed man the power to choose. This lends itself to be detrimental to a woman of substance. You either (1) have to lower your standards . . .or (2) stoop to the level of chasing/degrading yourself to be with a man . . . of which i will do neither sooooooooooo i'm single.
Dont get me wrong... been down both of those roads before. I've tried to go for a "different type of guy" the one that would give me the shirt off of his back but was a little hard on the eyes. . . or turning my head at the signs of my man cheating on me because i loved the "lifestyle". . . but the bottom line is that fairytale has always comes to an end in a nightmare on elm street. . .
So ready for my nightmare to end and my happily ever after to begin... Good Morning!

Back to the future. . .

Decided to start blogging again. . . i used to use Myspace as an outlet to my thoughts. . . then briefly on facebook and now (as long as it fits in 160 characters), Twitter. But I've been slacking on completely engulfing my current mindset and examining things that are not going on within myself. . . but also things surrounding me. So I'm going back. . . back to the very basics of communication. Turning thoughts into words and sharing them... going back to my future.